Quick! The Antidote!

I am putting it out there: all humans are created equal, but some are more Stupid than others. I want to be clear and informative to the Stupids and maybe they can redeem themselves. Granted, my life is pretty mundane and I really should not be too upset when the Stupids spice up my life. It’s just that I attract Stupids by the droves; I am a veritable Stupid magnet. It’s exhausting to tackle them one by one especially when the morbid stupidity is exhibited by office co-workers.

The nature of my job does not allow me to disclose specifics, but even in generality, Non-Stupids would be able to ascertain that I reside in StupidVille. There are plenty of stories in this particular storehouse, but I will zero in on office equipment and recent girl-boy interactions that have ended tragically. I will explain in a dos’s and don’ts type of deal for easier memorization and edification:

a) Do NOT announce in a crowded office building that you are in love with your boss.
b) Do NOT fall in love with your boss.
c) Gossiping about your boss with your boss’s secret hook-up is a no-no.
d) Being dumb enough to be your boss’s secret hook-up is also a no-no.
e) Do NOT share explicit details of your nightly escapades with random core-workers
f) Unless performing life-saving CPR, do not touch co-workers in chest area.
g) Do NOT perform life-saving CPR on your co-workers; dial 9, then 9-1-1.
h) Do NOT begin a “Dr. Abby” open-session at your cubby-hole.
i) Do learn how to use the Printer/Copier/Scanner/Fax machine.
j) Do NOT break afore-mentioned machine and have the gall to say, “It just broke.”
k) Do NOT ‘fix’ machine with martial arts of any form (including, but not limited to kicks and blows)
l) Do take a shower/ brush your teeth/ perform general grooming before showing up to work.
m) Use good judgment before hitting “REPLY-ALL” it’s not a necessity, it’s a luxury.
n) Should the dress code be “Business Casual” the emphasis is on “Business.” (It’s confusing, I know)

And a friendly reminder:
Not finishing your assignment and expecting others to cover for you =Stupid.
Expecting others to read your mind=Stupid.
Manipulation of any kind=Stupid
Passive aggression of the whiny variety= Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.

Got it!?

You are welcome!

And The First Stupid Award Goes To...

This goes to all the Stupids who own vehicle repair shops.

When my work van broke down I figured I would try to fix it myself. I know a little about vehicles: like hoses and spark plugs and that stick-lke doodad you use to check oil level. I once replaced a radiator and threw a block party later to celebrate. This time though, something major was broken. I am the kind that has to repeat the noises my vehicle is making to the mechanic to explain what I think is wrong with it, and this time it was making some major clamor. The engine sounded like a steel factory - one full of angry blacksmiths. I did what any prudent human would do - I called a tow company. After a confusing conversation that lasted all of two minutes in which I had to repeat every sentence at least twice (apparently I have an accent - who doesn't?) it came down to a matter of two hundred dollars between my van and the mechanic - that is the amount I would have to pay the tow company.

So, in my limited wisdom, I decided to change everything I thought could be wrong with the van. Several hours later, the van boasted new spark plugs and wires, fuel filter and some other parts whose function is still not very clear to me. (I think I replaced the cigarette lighter - or was it a fuse?) The van worked, but only well enough for me to drive it to the mechanic. It took all of two days before I got any word from the mechanics but the verdict did come, attached to another dollar figure as it always is. My problem was a fuel pump. It would cost me $365 to fix it. That was $165 for parts and $200 for labor.

I know by now you are asking "So where is the beef?" The fact that I am a novice when it comes to motors does not mean I don't know when I am being hosed. It so happens I had had a talk with a very nice guy at Autozone - those are the guys who manage to look at you with a straight face when you ask a very stupid question like "Exactly what part of my vehicle is the engine?" The nice guy had told me a fuel pump for my van cost 50 bucks and all I had to do was remove the fuel tank and fix it. It would take less than an hour with the right tools. Yeah, imagine my face when the mechanic gave me the quote. I had to pick my jaw off the floor before telling him I would fix the fuel pump myself.

For his blatant attempt at fleecing me, my not-so-friendly neighborhood mechanic earns himself the title Stupid and all the accolades that go with it.

Got any juicy Stupids story? Let the Stupid Patrol know about it.

PS: Even after changing the fuel pump, my van is still broken. I might have to visit the Stupids again.