The Stupid Patrol is issuing citations to the following people observed recently on Power Springs Road in Marietta GA:
1. The lady with the Black Mercedes who somehow managed to do a U-turn back into oncoming traffic.
2. The two Stupids who decided to cross the road in-front of an on-coming ambulance.
3. The two Stupid jay-walkers (maybe the same two idiots from number 2) who always sprint across 4 lanes of traffic.
4. The numerous “race-car’ drivers who cut across the shopping-mart in order to avoid the light at Sand Town RD intersection.
5. The light at Sand Town intersection.
6. The Stupids who programmed the light at Sand Town intersection.
7. All the Stupids sauntering willy-nilly across the Sand Town intersection.
8. All the Stupids who suddenly brake and swerve into McDonalds/ Martin’s/QT.
9. All the Super- Stupids who inexplicably negotiate the turn from the speeding lane into the slow lane and into McDonald’s/ Martins/QT.
10. The various Stupids who indicate left and then turn right into McDonalds/ Martin’s/QT.
11. All the tortoises who drive 20 miles below the speed limit because Cobb County PD is around the corner.
12. All the tortoises who drive 20 miles below the speed limit because they are drunk and they know Cobb County Jail is around the corner.
13. The plethora of Stupids who don’t pull in close enough to the intersections leaving no room for the people behind them to turn right thus causing a long line of flashing right-turn indicators.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Public Service Announcement
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Quick! The Antidote!
I am putting it out there: all humans are created equal, but some are more Stupid than others. I want to be clear and informative to the Stupids and maybe they can redeem themselves. Granted, my life is pretty mundane and I really should not be too upset when the Stupids spice up my life. It’s just that I attract Stupids by the droves; I am a veritable Stupid magnet. It’s exhausting to tackle them one by one especially when the morbid stupidity is exhibited by office co-workers.
The nature of my job does not allow me to disclose specifics, but even in generality, Non-Stupids would be able to ascertain that I reside in StupidVille. There are plenty of stories in this particular storehouse, but I will zero in on office equipment and recent girl-boy interactions that have ended tragically. I will explain in a dos’s and don’ts type of deal for easier memorization and edification:
a) Do NOT announce in a crowded office building that you are in love with your boss.
b) Do NOT fall in love with your boss.
c) Gossiping about your boss with your boss’s secret hook-up is a no-no.
d) Being dumb enough to be your boss’s secret hook-up is also a no-no.
e) Do NOT share explicit details of your nightly escapades with random core-workers
f) Unless performing life-saving CPR, do not touch co-workers in chest area.
g) Do NOT perform life-saving CPR on your co-workers; dial 9, then 9-1-1.
h) Do NOT begin a “Dr. Abby” open-session at your cubby-hole.
i) Do learn how to use the Printer/Copier/Scanner/Fax machine.
j) Do NOT break afore-mentioned machine and have the gall to say, “It just broke.”
k) Do NOT ‘fix’ machine with martial arts of any form (including, but not limited to kicks and blows)
l) Do take a shower/ brush your teeth/ perform general grooming before showing up to work.
m) Use good judgment before hitting “REPLY-ALL” it’s not a necessity, it’s a luxury.
n) Should the dress code be “Business Casual” the emphasis is on “Business.” (It’s confusing, I know)
And a friendly reminder:
Not finishing your assignment and expecting others to cover for you =Stupid.
Expecting others to read your mind=Stupid.
Manipulation of any kind=Stupid
Passive aggression of the whiny variety= Stupid, Stupid, Stupid.
Got it!?
You are welcome!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Yeah, right!
Imagine my surprise to happen upon John McCain talking economics on TV recently. Not only was he speaking and sounding suspiciously intelligent, but the interviewer(who shall remain nameless) was nodding his head as if John McCain was deciphering the Da Vinci Code. My jaw dropped, my eyes widened, and my fingers became lax around the remote. Here right in front of my eyes was Mr. "The Fundamentals of Our Economy are Strong" spewing out more gab and rubbish for the unsuspecting public to gobble up. I turned the volume up, just in case I was hearing things. I wasn't; bull-crap about the stimulus package was tumbling out of his mouth.
Not so fast Mr. LoserMan; we have your number.
OK; in case anyone missed the several opinions and rehashes of why he lost the election, his lack of knowledge of our (read: common man) economy was one of those reasons. Additionally, it was WAY up top. Aside from the train-wreck that was, sorry is, Sarah Palin, this could be the "IT" that cost him the Leader-of-the Free-World position. So, as far as I can tell, anything John McCain tells me about how ridiculous the stimulus package is, just sounds like Sore-Loser speak to me. Maybe if he hadn't said that the fundamentals of our economy are strong RIGHT before major banks keeled over...hmmm. Unfortunately, no do-overs were allowed and this statement quickly became the dumbest thing ever uttered. Only the infamous Bushisms could overshadow it.
Now, I only got a B+ in the only economics class I took, so I am no guru on this subject and I am not about to pretend that I can talk shop about it, but any moron could see that the economy had flat-lined and recessed. Well, anyone, but John McCain . Furthermore, most people could see through the objections of the Republicans right before the recent stimulus package was signed. It was more of a political wager to oppose the president and no one seemed to genuinely care about really saving the economy. Maybe they really believed that the fundamentals were strong...who knows? These Republicans! Here one day, there the next; it's tough to keep up with the hypocrisy.
For the average American, the status of the economy is measured by the state of their wallets and check books. I doubt anyone will be calling John McCain for help with balancing their check books. Johnny-boy and his band of idiots can keep flapping their gums all they want; each time they talk all we hear is "Blah I Blah Am Blah So Blah Stupid Blah to Blah think Blah Americans Blah can't Blah see Blah through Blah this."
How about we say it for the rest of America; you know to make sure the big-wigs REALLY get it : You are Stupid to think we are all Stupid. And, uhm, good luck with that whole redeem-yourself-from-the-stupid-pile thing: I hear Sarah Palin would like to run for president in 2012.
Dumb-asses.
Not so fast Mr. LoserMan; we have your number.
OK; in case anyone missed the several opinions and rehashes of why he lost the election, his lack of knowledge of our (read: common man) economy was one of those reasons. Additionally, it was WAY up top. Aside from the train-wreck that was, sorry is, Sarah Palin, this could be the "IT" that cost him the Leader-of-the Free-World position. So, as far as I can tell, anything John McCain tells me about how ridiculous the stimulus package is, just sounds like Sore-Loser speak to me. Maybe if he hadn't said that the fundamentals of our economy are strong RIGHT before major banks keeled over...hmmm. Unfortunately, no do-overs were allowed and this statement quickly became the dumbest thing ever uttered. Only the infamous Bushisms could overshadow it.
Now, I only got a B+ in the only economics class I took, so I am no guru on this subject and I am not about to pretend that I can talk shop about it, but any moron could see that the economy had flat-lined and recessed. Well, anyone, but John McCain . Furthermore, most people could see through the objections of the Republicans right before the recent stimulus package was signed. It was more of a political wager to oppose the president and no one seemed to genuinely care about really saving the economy. Maybe they really believed that the fundamentals were strong...who knows? These Republicans! Here one day, there the next; it's tough to keep up with the hypocrisy.
For the average American, the status of the economy is measured by the state of their wallets and check books. I doubt anyone will be calling John McCain for help with balancing their check books. Johnny-boy and his band of idiots can keep flapping their gums all they want; each time they talk all we hear is "Blah I Blah Am Blah So Blah Stupid Blah to Blah think Blah Americans Blah can't Blah see Blah through Blah this."
How about we say it for the rest of America; you know to make sure the big-wigs REALLY get it : You are Stupid to think we are all Stupid. And, uhm, good luck with that whole redeem-yourself-from-the-stupid-pile thing: I hear Sarah Palin would like to run for president in 2012.
Dumb-asses.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Stupids and Cartoons
There is major buzz on the blogosphere about the New York Post chimp-stimulus cartoon. The very black people are seeing all kinds of racist connotations in the imagery. Those not so black are struggling to read cartoonist Sean Delona's mind and decipher what he might have meant by the cartoon that is neither funny nor informative.If you are not up to date, here's the beef. In Connecticut, one Stupid decided a while back that all the dogs in the pound were not good enough pets. The cats wouldn't do either. Too small, way not scary. So she got herself a chimp. You read that right. One of those large monkeys each of which is stronger than five men (some reputable scientists says this, not me). Everything is fine and dandy for a while until the other day when the chimp suddenly comes down with a case of epiphany. Finally it realized it was a chimp and it did what all other chimps are trained by nature to do. It mauled the Stupid's friend, whereby a cop came over and shot the monkey. After all, we have to keep the foodchain intact here people!
At about the same time as the chimp was being a chimp and not a domesticated simian, the first black president of these United States was signing his stimulus bill into law. Enough said.
Enter Sean Delona and a deadline to deliver an editorial cartoon. How else could he combine the two biggest news together but to have the policeman shoot a chimp and the other say... You get the picture. Now who is more Stupid, the cartoonist who did not have two brain cells to string together or an entire editorial team out of which not one single person saw the racist undertones of this cartoon?
Here at Stupid Patrol we do not pass judgement, we just have too many Stupid Badges to hand out and for us, the more the merrier. So here's to the New York Post. A Stupid Badge that's all yours. And if you decide to draw a cartoon about me, the chimp would not be allegorical. I am one.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Take Me to Your Leader!
Attention all Stupids!!
We are out to get you. This is the end of the line for each and every one of you who makes our lives miserable! We will find you and we will destroy you. Stop looking over your shoulder; you and I both know that you are one of them. (On the off-chance you are not a Stupid, just keep reading) Be fore-warned; we are invading your comfort zones and we will colonize you and make you semi-intelligent. We would prefer for you to vacate the earth, but it seems you have first dibs on the planet. No matter; we will try our damnest to release you from the bounds of Stupidity.
Who 'we' are is not important. What we will do to you is what you should be worried about. We are tired of you worming your way into our day to day lives and testing our sanity. Oh yes! let's not forget the most heinous of crimes: opening your mouths to spill your vile filth. We can't take it any more!
Our poker faces have waned, our patience is over, and frankly we are pissed off! That said, we are obligated, compelled even, to stem the production of more Stupids. No more will you try to infect us with your lame-brained ideas, ludicrous statements, far-fetched justifications, and other miscellenous oddities. You will be annihilated!!! In fact, this is a no-holds barred elimination of all current and potential Stupids.
Do you know any Stupids? People who drive you NUTS with their thoughtlessness and lack of common sense? Tell us about them and we will CRUSH them!
This message is in jest and we are only half-joking about eradicating The Stupids. Anyone who finds this offensive is probably a Stupid and doesn't know it. Otherwise, enjoy the read.
TheStupidPatrol: Over and OUT!
We are out to get you. This is the end of the line for each and every one of you who makes our lives miserable! We will find you and we will destroy you. Stop looking over your shoulder; you and I both know that you are one of them. (On the off-chance you are not a Stupid, just keep reading) Be fore-warned; we are invading your comfort zones and we will colonize you and make you semi-intelligent. We would prefer for you to vacate the earth, but it seems you have first dibs on the planet. No matter; we will try our damnest to release you from the bounds of Stupidity.
Who 'we' are is not important. What we will do to you is what you should be worried about. We are tired of you worming your way into our day to day lives and testing our sanity. Oh yes! let's not forget the most heinous of crimes: opening your mouths to spill your vile filth. We can't take it any more!
Our poker faces have waned, our patience is over, and frankly we are pissed off! That said, we are obligated, compelled even, to stem the production of more Stupids. No more will you try to infect us with your lame-brained ideas, ludicrous statements, far-fetched justifications, and other miscellenous oddities. You will be annihilated!!! In fact, this is a no-holds barred elimination of all current and potential Stupids.
Do you know any Stupids? People who drive you NUTS with their thoughtlessness and lack of common sense? Tell us about them and we will CRUSH them!
This message is in jest and we are only half-joking about eradicating The Stupids. Anyone who finds this offensive is probably a Stupid and doesn't know it. Otherwise, enjoy the read.
TheStupidPatrol: Over and OUT!
And The First Stupid Award Goes To...
This goes to all the Stupids who own vehicle repair shops.
When my work van broke down I figured I would try to fix it myself. I know a little about vehicles: like hoses and spark plugs and that stick-lke doodad you use to check oil level. I once replaced a radiator and threw a block party later to celebrate. This time though, something major was broken. I am the kind that has to repeat the noises my vehicle is making to the mechanic to explain what I think is wrong with it, and this time it was making some major clamor. The engine sounded like a steel factory - one full of angry blacksmiths. I did what any prudent human would do - I called a tow company. After a confusing conversation that lasted all of two minutes in which I had to repeat every sentence at least twice (apparently I have an accent - who doesn't?) it came down to a matter of two hundred dollars between my van and the mechanic - that is the amount I would have to pay the tow company.
So, in my limited wisdom, I decided to change everything I thought could be wrong with the van. Several hours later, the van boasted new spark plugs and wires, fuel filter and some other parts whose function is still not very clear to me. (I think I replaced the cigarette lighter - or was it a fuse?) The van worked, but only well enough for me to drive it to the mechanic. It took all of two days before I got any word from the mechanics but the verdict did come, attached to another dollar figure as it always is. My problem was a fuel pump. It would cost me $365 to fix it. That was $165 for parts and $200 for labor.
I know by now you are asking "So where is the beef?" The fact that I am a novice when it comes to motors does not mean I don't know when I am being hosed. It so happens I had had a talk with a very nice guy at Autozone - those are the guys who manage to look at you with a straight face when you ask a very stupid question like "Exactly what part of my vehicle is the engine?" The nice guy had told me a fuel pump for my van cost 50 bucks and all I had to do was remove the fuel tank and fix it. It would take less than an hour with the right tools. Yeah, imagine my face when the mechanic gave me the quote. I had to pick my jaw off the floor before telling him I would fix the fuel pump myself.
For his blatant attempt at fleecing me, my not-so-friendly neighborhood mechanic earns himself the title Stupid and all the accolades that go with it.
Got any juicy Stupids story? Let the Stupid Patrol know about it.
PS: Even after changing the fuel pump, my van is still broken. I might have to visit the Stupids again.
When my work van broke down I figured I would try to fix it myself. I know a little about vehicles: like hoses and spark plugs and that stick-lke doodad you use to check oil level. I once replaced a radiator and threw a block party later to celebrate. This time though, something major was broken. I am the kind that has to repeat the noises my vehicle is making to the mechanic to explain what I think is wrong with it, and this time it was making some major clamor. The engine sounded like a steel factory - one full of angry blacksmiths. I did what any prudent human would do - I called a tow company. After a confusing conversation that lasted all of two minutes in which I had to repeat every sentence at least twice (apparently I have an accent - who doesn't?) it came down to a matter of two hundred dollars between my van and the mechanic - that is the amount I would have to pay the tow company.
So, in my limited wisdom, I decided to change everything I thought could be wrong with the van. Several hours later, the van boasted new spark plugs and wires, fuel filter and some other parts whose function is still not very clear to me. (I think I replaced the cigarette lighter - or was it a fuse?) The van worked, but only well enough for me to drive it to the mechanic. It took all of two days before I got any word from the mechanics but the verdict did come, attached to another dollar figure as it always is. My problem was a fuel pump. It would cost me $365 to fix it. That was $165 for parts and $200 for labor.
I know by now you are asking "So where is the beef?" The fact that I am a novice when it comes to motors does not mean I don't know when I am being hosed. It so happens I had had a talk with a very nice guy at Autozone - those are the guys who manage to look at you with a straight face when you ask a very stupid question like "Exactly what part of my vehicle is the engine?" The nice guy had told me a fuel pump for my van cost 50 bucks and all I had to do was remove the fuel tank and fix it. It would take less than an hour with the right tools. Yeah, imagine my face when the mechanic gave me the quote. I had to pick my jaw off the floor before telling him I would fix the fuel pump myself.
For his blatant attempt at fleecing me, my not-so-friendly neighborhood mechanic earns himself the title Stupid and all the accolades that go with it.
Got any juicy Stupids story? Let the Stupid Patrol know about it.
PS: Even after changing the fuel pump, my van is still broken. I might have to visit the Stupids again.
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